The Consequences of Bravery

I have a secret: I’m a total phobe. Really

If you see me online (like right now, eep), I’m probably quite nervous and ready for the vitriol to rain down for my every thought. In public, I’m terrified. I am what some call an agoraphobic and others a shut in.

Why am I writing this?

  1. It’s true
  2. It changes quality of life
  3. It matters to my business
  4. I may not be alone

Why does it matter? I absolutely have to remember that if I am playing the pain Olympics of any kind, I am winning in my event. I take my fear and disadvantages and turn them into bravery and quirks of my work and personality.

My career is very real now. I’ve started a business built on the very foundation of my creative abilities. It costs money. I have an important appointment in town tomorrow to prove it.

I want to be an artist that goes to the local coffee shop and bookstore to paint with my community. I believe that while I’m mostly on the introverted side of the scale, my inner ambivert is just as present. She should not be ignored or denied because I am afraid to step foot outside my home.

Let me be Brave

I see so many things with my brand of OCD. They aren’t fun or kind. Around here, we call it the rabbit hole. It branches and forms into new avenues of emotional turmoil in a moment. The speed at which my bipolar brain attempts to cram all these avenues together at once creates a panic that is difficult to express.

It starts when I leave my bedroom and increases rapidly from right inside the door to the car getting out of the neighborhood. Then, it morphs because I’m driving.

I’m in charge of a massive amount of machinery with the brain of gelatin. My memory left in a spiral of Gabapentin and trauma. Was that a caution sign back there!?

Nope, it’s not that kind of story. Don’t cue the violin just yet.

Me

Here’s the thing, I am one of the bravest people I know. I get in a vehicle daily, have to think of the most unimaginable things, remember some things I’d rather forget, and forget most of the most precious moments in life that I never thought I could lose.

Foil Experiment ~ Ooooo Scary!

But I live.

I am terrified and live anyway, which is a source of pride in my world! I am proud that I keep swimming through the proverbial tide of life. I may not have planned for this future but am making the most of learning.

I have recently applied for a Pride event that I’m hoping can face my fear in a very large way. I have also applied to volunteer at a localish museum of art where I could be accepted and trained to handle art and just be in that environment of so many inspiring people. As a self-taught artist, this is huge.

And terrifying

This might not sound like big news unless you really know me. I don’t usually proclaim from the rooftops my inability to distinguish between a rational and irrational fear at the hind-brain level. However, I had a thought that I am not alone. How can I be?

You may be reading this and wondering if you can get past the fear to do the things with the stuff. You know the one 😉 I’m living proof that not only you can, but it remains worth it for me and would probably be worth it for you too.

I’ve been battling this for decades. I am able to get out of bed and take my children to school and even show people my art and who I am in the face of probable rejection. Don’t fight your disability to the point of harm, but fear is a symptom of our disability and can be overcome.

If you live in a situation where your fears are quite valid, I’m also not suggesting to go into harm. My fears are irrational. That pot hole in the road wasn’t a body. If you can’t go outside because of violence or any other reason, bravery sometimes is finding baby step ways to fight fear and stay sane.

Is it easy? Bahahahaha That’s quite amusing. There is no musical montage to change even with an epic Spotify subscription.

But through the heartbreak and pain, y’all… I love the consequences of bravery.

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